The Twinges of Optimism

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

One week and two days back on meds, and I’m feeling decent for the first time in at least 10 months.

I realize most antidepressants take a couple of weeks to work. The literature on Lexapro says it may start working in a week. But I’ve been feeling mostly human and decent all week now.

I’m exhausted of course. That’s my typical. I have so much to do on a daily basis with caring for four children (who all have a range of diagnoses). When I tell someone (my mom mostly) who asks what I did that day “nothing,” or “not much,” my idea of “nothing,” or “not much,” is usually much more than what most would consider “not much.” That could mean I spent two hours managing a meltdown from one child while helping another recover a forgotten password, and explaining to another why the video she wants to watch is “restricted” for her on YouTube.

Before last week, every ounce of energy I spent on the slightest thing was forced. I had to physically make myself do everything that needed to be done on a daily basis. It took so much effort to make myself do every little thing. There was so much I left undone because I just couldn’t do.

I had a housing inspection a couple of weeks ago. I knew about it a couple of weeks prior. I made myself a list, and every day I looked at that list and tried to force myself to do what was on it (while still…